I see you
I wish I could safely give you a big hug. I sometimes wish I could fix everything, but I am not a fixer. I am a helper. Know that you deserve all the spa days, weekend retreats and restorative care that the world can give you. I am in awe of your strength. When I say "parent" here I am including grandparents, foster, adoptive, extended family and beyond. If you are taking on a caregiver role for a child, you have graduated to parent status. A painfully overused quote from Fred Rogers, "When scary things are all around us, we say to the children, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping',” is a beautifully and simply put phrase for a child to instill hope in times of crisis.You, parents, are the helpers, now perhaps more than ever. You didn’t sign up for this pandemic and your changing roles. You are their parent, but you have also become their teacher and tutor, their crisis counselor, their protector, and their nurse. You give them safety and comfort. You help them. The roles in your parenting may have continued to pile on, and that’s exhausting, it doesn’t mean you love them any less if you are tired, angry and just want to get away. I want to acknowledge that you have moved mountains over this last year and a half.
Children are resilient…
but...
I hear on the news and in social media how much damage is happening to children and their development right now. I want to shed light to a few things that may be forgotten. Children are strong, children can endure…But…
This is a trauma, at an individual, family and collective scale. By the time the pandemic is behind us, your child will likely have experienced longer term complex trauma, a combination of big T and little t traumas, maybe a single big T event, like the death(s) of loved ones, a parent divorce or separation, being sick themselves or watching a love one be sick, etc. These are singular events that can take a toll on our regulatory system and tax out our ability to handle stress. Then we couple this with ongoing adversity or stressors such as experiencing family strains, financial strains, systemic racism and oppression, unsupported family mental illness or substance abuse, isolation, academic stress, exposure to the news and the collective stress and grief of others, general pandemic life and constant change. School has not been the same. family visits have been different. Birthdays, holidays, celebrations have all changed, and we lost a lot. Kids are sponges in that they absorb what is around them, the good, bad and the ugly. They see more than we want them to, perhaps. If you and your family are stressed and depleted, it is likely your child is feeling this at some level as well. We don’t know how long this will last. Certainly some of the effects can, and will, last years. There are a lot of people and things that we have lost, and we will need to grieve. Your children will need to grieve.
What is resiliency really?
A quick search shows resiliency as “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” Perhaps this is a misnomer for how our society uses the word to describe the human condition. I don’t think resiliency is anything quick nor tough. This inner strength we see in others comes from a source of constant tending; the work on resiliency is never done. It may look like toughness on the outside, but on the inside it may look like a mess. When we allow ourselves to not be okay and allow others to help, that is strength. Vulnerability is strength. People and children are resilient, but we can all get to a point that is beyond our ability to cope. This is where helpers of all kinds can step in.
Relationships are buffers
What you are doing now matters. You may not see the fruits of your labor until much later. You plant as many seeds as you can for your child, they will come to grow and thrive later, when the conditions are right. For now, if you give them your sunshine, if that is all you can muster, that makes all the difference. If a child’s development and growth were like a bean sprout…We ask, when will this seed break the surface and grow? When it is ready! They single best protector and buffer for adversity for a child are healthy relationships with adults. The more the better.
You are enough
You are already doing more than enough. You are here, right now, in a pandemic, reading an article about parenting. However, if you are wanting to layer up and dig a little deeper, below are some tenets and tips about parenting from child parent relational therapy (CPRT.) Although this is a model for younger children and their caregivers, I have found over the years of working with children, families and adults that these principles on healing within relationships can hold some wisdom for all ages. Below are just a few of my favorites:
Cultivate a “being with” attitude
I am here, I hear you, I understand, I care. If you can convey this attitude to you child, it can be the core and secure base for healing and growth within the relationship.
Focus on the doughnut, not the hole.
We know especially during this pandemic, a lot of things are not going well. Things don’t feel okay, they aren’t enough, we may need more. We may expect more from our children. That's okay. But what can be helpful is to give special attention to all the things that are there, that are going well, instead of only seeing the bad. Making this mental shift when you think about your child and your relationship can help give empathy and grace a kick-start for changes and healing.
What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did.
Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes. You have and will continue to make mistakes as a parent. That's okay, like it or not, it happens and it can be a gift. It’s a teaching moment. It’s what you do after that counts the most. Showing your child that you can say AND show that you’re sorry, admit when you mess up, make changes, and grow is an extremely powerful modeling opportunity.
You can’t give away what you do not possess.
If you have 5 slices of pizza and your kids and family need 6, you're out of luck. You can't give more than what you have. You need your oxygen mask on first to help others, in all things. This includes compassion for your child. If you struggle with this, this can be a great time to work on growing your self-compassion. You can’t pour from an empty cup, instead of constantly refilling and emptying your cup, I would challenge and support you to find ways you can grow your cup. Find the helpers and relationships in your life that can support you. You are not alone if you are struggling. Maybe being vulnerable and asking for help is the first step, remembering that vulnerably is strength. If you can feel it, i'm giving you a big hug right now in spirit. Remember that you can do hard things and that you are stronger than you think you are.
Warmly,
Elise